Tonight it is raining in Vancouver.
It's one of those nights that make you want to to crawl under the covers and cry. I think that a lot of us are feeling it these days. (Except for Derek...he is happy and glowing...he is doing well which makes me heart-glad.) I am ready to kiss heaviness good-bye.

Yesterday I sat down and spoke with the fellow that I fancy. I need to come to grips with the fact that I am a shy girl. That in order to make friends, one must actually speak and smile and make eye contact. I am so tired of living in this shell. Anyway, he is really dreamy with his squinty eyes and dimples. He should ask me to the movies.


I have been thinking a lot about Tim. I hate that I am still thinking about him so much. Sometimes I forget about the whole business, and then it hits me like a wave. I don't know where to file this sort of anger and sadness. I want him to hurt. Every time I talk about it, I have to act like I'm all okay and stuff. But I'm not. It hurts a lot. Personal rejection is hard to take, and it makes you feel like shit. You wonder if it was because of the space between your teeth, or the length of your hair, or the cut of your shirt. You wonder if things would have been different if you flirted with him more.
This is all sounding so ridiculous.
I want to be alone....but not alone.

Lisa is coming tomorrow.
Sara is coming on Thursday.
Last Thursday was National Talk Like A Pirate Day, and I totally missed it.
Last Tuesday was Lisa's birthday, and I totally missed it too.
Today is Sunday I should have gone to church, but I'm going for 3.95 breakfast at the Big C instead.

I think that I am ridiculous and proud.
I think I am exactly who I swore I would never be.
I think I am a lot of things I hate.
I am jealous and mean. I am petty and self-ish. I lie and cheat and steal. I think awful thoughts about people I love. I ignore my friends. I ignore God.
I don't want to be all down on myself but last night this all seemed to come to light as I was grumbling in my head about annika. Annika, my closest friend and roommate. Annika is a lovely girl. Yet, I, in pig-headishness created reasons to be hurt by her.
Why can´t I just love? Why am I being sostubborn these days? Why am I creating drama where there isn´t any? What happened to me to make me so hard-hearted? I hate that! I want to be soft. I want to refreshing and nice. I want to be open. I don't want to carry around this suspiciousness. I don't want to be jealous. I don't want to just sit there.
This whole thing is so frustrating.
I wish I could spew out verses. I wish there was something I could do to feel better.
Sheesh, it's amazing that I even have friends.

On the other hand, I came up with a brilliant idea for a book. I am going to attempt it today. Maybe that's what I need. A creative outlet

I totally have a rebound crush on a boy. I don't know his name, but I see him everyday. He seems just lovely. Crushes are ridiculous. Feels too much like high school.

I don't know if it's a gift.
I don't want to assume things.
It seems that I have an ability to see certain people. I recognize things in them that I see in myself. I don't know what it is that I get. I thought maybe it was brokenness or sadness or an old spirit. I thought maybe it was the race that knows Joseph (Anne) or some kind of kindred spiritedness. But that doesn't work somehow. All people that I feel this connection with should have the connection with each other. While that works sometimes, most of the time it's a complete miss.
Take my new friend Ryan. It makes no sense that I should be his friend. In fact, when I met him I thought he would be annoying. By the second time I saw him, I had that point of recognition. Like he fits somehow into the puzzle of my heart. Annika has that same place in my heart, yet I don't think she really likes him that much. Why don't they connect with each other if I connect so well with both?
I feel like I have been given a new kid brother. Hanging out with Ryan feels like Jonathan (except that Ryan has never hit me in the head with a baseball bat). Maybe it's a bit of an ego thing for me. Maybe it's just really nice to have a boy around who will go for milkshakes and give dirty looks to sales ladies for me. Maybe I know that girls think he's cute. Maybe I just really like the attention. I don't know. I don't want to analyze this one. I get him. I don't feel like I have to be cool...or even clean around him. If this is just a phase, then so be it. I like having friends. I wish I had more of them.
speaking of friends...
I really like Jo. Sure, she's my boss and all, but I have fun with her. Again, it's that mysterious thing that I see her. That twinkle of recognition that draws me to certain people. I drank too much beer with her last night. I hope that we get to be good friends.
Funny how God knows these things. How we want to fit somewhere. And here I am. There is blessing in a broken heart. There is joy buried beneath. There is no formula. I am just learning that. So I thank God for these little stumblings across people..New and old. I am richly blessed, and I didn't ask for it. He just knows.

Well, it's mom day...I'm going back to sleep so that I not crankypants for her. I like my mom.

Sometimes my knack is whack.

It has certainly been a while since I have blogged. I have a strong dislike for words like "blog" and "google" as verbs. Yet, here I am, hypocritical-wendy using such disdainful words. And I wonder if "disdainful" is even a real word.

Johnny Cash died today. Johnny Cash is dead. It seems like he was the last of the really good guys. It wasn't a surprise. I suppose that there isn't much point of living if your soulmate is gone. I will miss Johnny Cash. I always secretly hoped that I would meet him one day, and we would drink beer together, and perhaps talk...Or perhaps not talk. I wish it was okay and normal to sit and not talk. Sometimes I don't want to talk. Sometimes, I don't want to be alone, and yet I don't want to fill that precious space with words. Does that make sense?
I am reading a book about a guy who says that someone is always borrowing his head. It just hits too close to home. I am contemplating not reading this book anymore. I swear this guy is just writing about me. Except I only feel that fucked up, where as this guy actually is fucked up. I am afraid to read the whole book. I mean, what if it is a really depressing book? It happened to me in "The Grapes of Wrath". I expected and hoped that it would get better, but it never did. I don't think I have completely recovered, it still pisses me off. I'll probably keep reading this book however, I have that disease you know, where you just can't put your book down. That happened last week with "Harry Potter". Get this, I actually cried while reading a Harry Potter book. Of course that had nothing to do with my freshly broken heart, or my menstrual cycle, or the fact that I was sick as a dog. I can't wait for the next Harry Potter book!
I live too much in children's literature. Kid's books are so where it's at.
Jonathan called today. My little brother is growing up. It's so sweet that we are friends now. It's so sweet that he calls me just to tell me that he loves me. Not a lot of brothers do that. He never once pulled out an "I told you so" when we talked about Tim. He was actually concerned about my heart, even though he was right the whole time. It pisses me off that he was right. Jonathan also asked me tough questions like where I'm going to church, and how my "walk" is going, and how am I getting fed. He's a good brother.
My walk isn't exactly what your average Christian would consider stellar. But then, the thought of being your average Christian gives me the willies. The truth is that I have been broken in a few places. The truth is that I really dislike church. I went to church on Sunday after a few months away from attending. I didn't like it. I don't know what to do. I know that I need that kind of environment. The truth is that I would rather be discipled. Maybe then, I could stand church. I would rather just sit and absorb. I don't want to feel forced into clapping my hands. I don't want to turn and greet my neighbors. I don't want my problems to be solved in a three point sermon, or in an accrostic. I am not alone in feeling like this. Like an alien in church...Like an alien in life. Is it me that needs to change? Am I bitter? What is my attitude? I just think that there has got to be another way. I think that perhaps the church's current concept of church may not be THE camp. How do we bust out of the mind frame that we have it figured out? That MY way of worshipping, or studying, is the right and only way..And you really ought to check it out.
I dunno, maybe I'm talking out of my ass...But those creepy Alpha signs everywhere make me sick to my stomach.
Something has got to change....And that something is probably me. It's just so much easier to blame someone else for the the condition of my heart.
This entry is getting to be ridiculously long and boring. I intend to write here more often....Not that anyone knows about this site....Or cares.

p.s. The Weakerthans. There are no words. They are good. Very good.

There is a party going on upstairs. It is noisy, and I am wide awake. Perhaps I should go and make some friends. Naw, I'll just stay here and sit in front of the computer. It kinda sounds like a fun party. I don't like parties. Everytime I attend a party, I leave wondering if i have some kind of social anxiety disorder. I think that what it comes down to is that people frighten me. No seriously, I think that I am afraid of social situations. I hate having to be witty or pretty on command.
I think that i was hit on tonight at the show. I think, but then, these kinds of things don't happen to me. I don't mind really. Being the girl that the boys looked past was always okay with me. I never was one for much attention. Poor Anni is sick. She really feels like barfing. You would think that she was drinking tonight. Nothing but water. I feel badly for her. I mean, especially since there is this party going on upstairs. I think it's going to be a tough night for her.
I am glad that these neighbours are moving out this weekend. They can reak havoc on some other strangers. Actually, they are very nice people.
Drunk people are idiots, and are very rarely funny. I think my dad is the only person who is funnier when he has a few. For the most part, I am inclined to think that very nearly everyone is an idiot. And I'm most likely the biggest one of them, so i do have room to speak.
Okay....I am going to bed I think. Or at least try. Part of me is having fun listening in. It makes me feel like I'm eight years old when I used to sneak into the hallway at night to listen to what the grown-ups were talking about. Most of the people at the party are probably younger than me, yet they feel like grown-ups somehow. It makes me feel like I probably still have self-esteem issues to work out.

I have come to notice that i think less of people who make spelling and typing errors. I tend to think that they are relativley uneducated, and not that bright. However, i have also noticed that i make such mistakes. If i did not know it was me, i would quietly be commenting in my head how many mistakes my "blog" has. Perhaps i too, am uneducated and no that bright.
I am so quick to judge.
I have come to learn things about myself that are good and a little unnerving. Things that i feel, things that i wish, and things that are. I have opened the curtain into my soul, and have found a world unexplored. The thing is that it depends not just on me anymore. No, not since i've opened this up. Perhaps this is love, i don't know. For once i am thinking beyond myself and my present circumstances. I see a world beyond my musings. There is more out there than i first imagined.
I am 24, this fellow is my first technical "boyfriend". These feelings scare me. Most girls go through this when they are 16. I can't seem to get over how much i truly like this guy. I mean, i think about him a lot. I am so excited to get to know his heart. Sometimes i wonder if i am being a fool. I wonder if i am setting myself up for more heartache. But then i remember who i am and who he is and who God is. I know that i won't necissarily get my own way here. I know that there are more forces at work here than just me. Just as i have thr free will to make a decision in this, so does tim. Trust me, i have dealt with this before.
Our phone conversations are so short. I know that it can't be helped, and i really don't mind. I just long for a heart to heart chat. It feels like it's been so long. Long distances, and longe shifts, and phone cards. The letters are good though. We are able to expose our hearts bit by bit. That's what i like. I would like even more to hold his hand. Yeah, i can't get over how much i like him. It's nice, so nice that he likes me too. Thar he phones me on his days off from Nowheresville, Alberta. I like that he sets aside a part of his day to write part of his heart to me. I like that things that have been carried around are being exposed. Yhinga out in the open are good. I don't know how long i can do the long distance thing. We shall find out i suppose.

Imporve your life in just 21 easy steps.

1. Fill kettle with cool water.
2. Plug kettle into nearest electrical socket.
3. Open bag of bread and remove at least two slices. (depending on how hungry you are, you may need to remove more than two slices. The quantity is up to you.)
4. Insert slices of bread into toaster.
5. Choose toaster settings according to desired darkness of toast.
6. Press lever.
7. Choose tea from container. (go crazy with your choice here, absolutely any flaavour will be suitable)
8. Remove tea bag from package and place in favourite mug.
9. When kettle whistle blows, unplug kettle from wall.
10. Pour boiling water from kettle into mug (over tea bag).
11. Allow tea to steep for a few seconds or minutes, according to desired strength of flavour.
12. Add honey, and/or sugar, and/or cream. (or leave tea clear)
13. When toaster pops, remove toast from toaster and onto a plate.
14. Retrieve honey jar from cupboard.
15. With butter knife, spread honey on warm toast.
16. Set mug of tea, and plate of toast on kitchen table.
17. Find a blanket (the bed is a good place to look).
18. Wrap blanket around your own body.
19. Sit at kitchen table.
20. Press play on stereo (contents of cd player is depends on your musical taste. Lately, I have found the musical stylings of Tomte quite favourable. You may not know what the hell they're singing about about, but the "fah fah fah fah fah fah fah" bit is the absolute best music i have ever heard.)
21. Drink tea, eat toast, listen. (things are fine)

This works well with a friend.

"Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell."----switchfoot

My last entry was all weakness.
Perhaps i am all weakness.
I was dared to move....to pick myself up off the floor.
Sometimes all it takes tenacious (sp?) obedience. Sometimes he uses these days and nights to speak truth into our hearts. I've been thinking a lot about Elijah. I've been thinking about David. I've been thinking about the Sacred Heart of Jesus. I've been wondering about my own value. i discovered that i see myself as a pebble in a land of jewels....which is untruth. The truth that God speaks that we are valuable. There has been a rather high price paid for me. There is more invested in me than i realize....more than Christ's blood even. People i know have invested their valuable resources and time and money and prayer into me. Maybe i am actaully valuable to the planet. (An idea i've never considered.)
I would love to have the power to change things.
I would love know how to spread the love.
I would love to shine.
Maybe i am still being dared to move....but in a bigger way.
The future is big and so far away. I know how Lisa feels. (well, not exactly...i just know that part of how she feels)
I went to go see Coldplay last night. It was good. Hardly intimate, and i hate when people sing along...when uninvited. I did not pay forty bucks to hear suzy halter top sing off key. Whatevs. It was still good. I wasn't disappointed. I love how indie kids and college radio people pretend that they don't actually like Coldplay. Like it would kill them to admit that there is actual talent on commercial radio. I love how people think that they are open-minded to music...but really, they're just snobby. I suppose that is the appeal...and i know that i fall victim to that all the time. It bothers me to admit that i like mainstream music. I kind of like dropping random names, that only us elitist music people would have heard about. I am not above reproach in this.
So i am openly admit that i like the following: Coldplay, Dashboard Confessional (remember when it was COOL to like them?), "complicated", the Dixie Chicks, and Nick Carter.
There. i don't care.
Know what else? These are things i could give a rats ass about: who you hang out with, and what band they're in, the streets, the used, the scene, and guestlist.
sheesh.
I think that i am turning into a square. Before you know it, I'll be listening to Shania. ew.
i must be getting old.

I want to give up. I want to wash my hands and go tomy mom's house. I want safety and security, and not have to find a job ever again. I am tired, and i am thinking in a downward spiral. I wonder if Vancouver is where i ought to be. I wonder where exactly i ought to be. The Lord always spoke so clealy to David. Or, that's how it seems in Samuel. David inquired of the Lord, and He justr answers, just like that. I feel like i have done a lot of inquiring...yet i hear no answer. It causes me to ask myself if i reallly am truly a seeker of Gos's heart. My instinct is to run away. I don't want to go out today, with my smile, and my mascara, and my resume. I am sick of trying to sell myself. I know that i am a hard worker, and loyal, and fun. I have experience, and everything. I have applied at a lot of places, and yet, i have no takers. I don't get it. Lord, i don't understand!

I was asked what i wanted my life to look like when i am 67 years old, sitting in my rocking chair, with a cup of tea...what do i want my life to be like?
i know we have been asked these questions for years now. What matters at 80? I honestly hope that i die before i am 80. Is that strange? Life is too much pain to be around for 80 years of it. Besides, i want to get out of here before dimentia sets in. I've decided to think about my little task, but cut it down a few years. I'm going to think more in the the year range. The thought that i will be 34 is kind of frightening. I hope i am not a church mom at that point. Lord, i pray that do not turn into a church mom! So tonight, i decided to really think about it. so i lit a few candles, put mineral into the cd player, pulled out some paper and some crayons, and went wild. I claim that i am going into art, but the skills i displayed this everning show a desperate need for improvement. I am frustrated that i cannot seem to express what i see so clearly in my head. I cannot verbalize it, i cannot scribble it, i cannot dance it, i cannot sing it. I feel the need to get it out, but i don't know how. I guess what it comes down, down, down to is this: at the end of my life, i want to know that i raised some fine children. I want to see my seeds turn into sprouts, and my sprouts turn into trees. I want to know that i served the Lord as best i could, that i loved, that i laughed. What it comes down to is that i hope that i had some kind of influence in the hearts of those around me. That i saw beauty where others could not, and was able to show it to them. I don't want a huge career. I don't want a fancy car, or a cell phone, or even a television. (i do however, want to be secure) I want to be able to bless others. I know that i can do that no matter what my station in life is.
So it's a totally loaded question. I know how i want to see my life. i just haven't been able to articulate it quite yet. I hope that tim is in there...in my future. That would make me very happy indeed. I like that boy oh so very much. Is it normal to think about some one this much?

It must be okay to pray for money. Lord, i want money. Wait, that sounds so bad. But i guess it's true. i do, i need money. i don't need it more than Jesus, but pretty close. i leave it there.

"And the wrens have returned
And they're nesting
In the hollow of that oak
Where his heart once had been"
-Rich mullins
I like that a lot...and that is all i am leaving here today.

Henri Nouwen Quote of the day:
"There are two realities to which you must cling. First, God has promised that you will recieve the love you have been searching for. And second, God is faithful to that promise."
I love the writings and teachings of Henru Nouwen. Sometimes I am convinced that he was put on the this earth strictly for my exclusive benefit. But then I read his books, and I think that everyone has to hear it. There is something here for everyone. In reading Henri Nouwen, I have become increasingly interested in the Catholic faith. Raised in the brethern, we were taught that every other person was wrong in their faith...only the brethern went to heaven. In the evangelical church, we were taught that all other christians were fine and good....just weird. We were taught that faiths such as Catholic, or Anglican were mere "religions" and didn't actually believe in the relationship with Christ. In my reading Nouwen, or Mother Teresa, I can hardly believe that their faiths were nothing more than a bunch of rules and memorized scripture. So I have decided to explore this one myself. I know first hand that religion takes over relationship even in the most charasmatic and evangelical churches. I see it in myself all the time, and it pains me. My greatest horror is becoming a church mom, with a perm, and ladies fellowship luncheons, and eventually living a life that never leaves the church circle. Sometimes i wonder if it's inevitable. A thought that makes me want to lose christianity, and start something new, but maintain the same beliefs. But then, I would get sucked into that as well. This is a bigger subject than i wish to discuss right now. I'm not in rampage mode. When i get in such a mode, we can talk about church.
I talked to tim today. It's still quite strange...the thought that he is my "boyfriend". Talking once a week is kind of strange. We seem to just talk about random things...nothing of too great a consequence. Then, i suppose that is to be expected until we can spend some time together. Man, I am just so anxious to hang out with that guy. I have all the faith in the world in long distance relationships. I do. I just don't like them. I don't like that I am in one, and it is what I wished for, for four years. (go back and read that last sentence out loud...444...that is why I am not an english major.) Sometimes, I just want to bust my chest open so that tim can see my heart right now...right like this, so he can see what he's getting himself into. I'd like him to do the same for me. Right now we are just so polite. Busting out our hearts is just too bloody and messy. At this point, I think we are both trying to keep it nice and clean...to make up for the messiness of the past (minus the blood).
I like that God is really changing my heart. I like that I noticed that I was getting discouraged about a lot of things, and prayed hard that God would take care of that feeling. The old me would have curled up with it, and in a few days, I would be in a pretty big depression. I love that He has opened my eyes to catch these things. As long as I am responsible in my relationship with the Lord, and really ask to see these things...i don't believe that i will ever fall into depression ever again. The feeling of being depression free for over a year is lovely. I know that is wasn't done on my strength. Sure, I had to make some decisions on my own, but for the grace of God, I'd still be in that pit. Which reminds me to pray for Daniel.
So, yeah. That concludes my first entry.