party

I had a mulled wine and snacks party last night. It was mellow, warm and relaxed. A nice time.
I can't help but feel a little disappointed in some of my friends. The ones that never showed. The ones who respond with "yeah, maybe'. Or the ones who respond with "yeah, totally!". I know better. I should have lowered my expectations. I shouldn't have bought so much wine.
Anyway, it's over and I'm leaving, so big deal right?
One of my friends brought an old highschool pal of his, and I was not stoked on him. He was just standing there totally complaining about the music I was playing. He was like, 19. That's the age the music asshole rears it's ugy head. I know this because when I was 19 I was a total music asshole. I doubt I went to parties at strangers houses and openly griped about the music. Besides, I wish that I had listened to Paul Simon when I was 19, and not wasted my time and money on pop punk...or whatever.
I don't feel sad about leaving.
I feel relieved.

because m. ward can say it better

heavy hearts

Sadness.
I can't enter into the sadness of my breakfast date. The hands of friends are tied in the face of grief. I have not lost my mother. I cannot make anything better, I am unable to help. My feeble attempt at comfort is second-rate pancakes at the greasy spoon on broadway and main. If only I could make it said in a hug. I am a clumsy friend.
But this isn't even about me.

cat sitter

i am in matt and kim's bed. it's my new job to look after wee merger. merger is their cat. he is big and orange and very handsome. at the moment he is skulking noisily about the house. i think he is trying to tell me something, but i am no good at the complexities of cattish languages. he might also just singing along with tom waits. the two voices blend quite nicely. sometimes tom waits seeps into the cracks that you didn't know were in your heart. i like music like this.
last night was the jj bean christmas party. lots of dancing. a handful of fun. i danced a button right off my dress. i am glad that my jj days are over. i feel a certain level of chagrin about that place. it was hard to wipe the smirk off my face while the speech/pep rally was going on. i think it was your regular, garden variety staff christmas party.
tonight is the foundation party. i think it will be fun. more relaxed. better food. the last time i will see bryan. i called him a jerk (to his face) a couple of weeks ago, and things haven't been the same since. i am sorry about this because i like him.
i am very excited about this christmas business coming up.
the other day, i was getting all excited about the orange in the stocking and the cup of coffee in the morning. bateman family christmas.

like we need another reason to love this lady

tickets

The romance has been taken out of travel a little bit. it's kind of crazy that you can buy an airplane ticket in your pj's. i think a taste of excitement is held in the actual ticket. never the less, i have my ticket, and i am excited. the boys leave in a few days, and they are thrilled. at least, ben is. i hardly ever see chad. december 27th. til june 8th. the truth is that i don't konw what i'm doing, but going for a year freaked me out before. i have set my sites lower this time. i can't wait to be there. i kind of already am...in my daydreams. i am jealous that ben and chad are going to be in paris in a week and a half.
do you know i love paris?
well.
i do.
i am thinking in very short sentences tonight.
my friend dave came into foundation tonight. dave and i have the exact same birthday....he is my gay soulmate. i feel nothing but pure joy when i see his face. he came in 20 minutes before i got to leave so after work i sat down with him and his new boyf. it was nice. i think i sort of relish meeting new people. establishing friendships. it's also pretty great when people you really like are with people who are worthy of them. dave's new fella is a keeper.
it's been a dramatic week. i've fallen straight on my ass bone, and it hurts like the dickens. i've also stuck my nose in something that is not my business, but ultimately, i think i've done the right thing. if i makes me unpoplular with one or two poeple, so be it. i simply do not tolerate domestic abuse.
that's it.

It's not the world that I am changing...

Once in a while, I get suddenly filled with this strange sense of urgency. That I need to do something NOW! If I don't, I'll miss my chance. I never know what tangible thing it is that I get so fevered about. I can never pin point it. I can never grab root. It's the pacing around the house thinking and thinking with your mind skipping about. And it's never about what to wear tomorrow or what my friends are doing. It's this deep fountain that bubbles out. It's the place where frustration and fufillment meet. It's hope and disappointment. Doubt and bravery. On one hand it feels like the purest thing I've ever known, on the other hand it's the faintest. It's skimpy.
In the Emily books, L.M Montgomery writes about the flash. The lifting of the veil. I think maybe the two are related. The urgency to see what lies beyond, to hold onto the flash. It's a bit of a motivator because it always makes me want to make changes. I want to make apologies and friends. It provokes this need to be honest and true. It makes me feel like I am not big enough or strong enough to love the world.
It makes me want to write up this big pretentious mission statement (a la Jerry Macguire).
But I never could. I simply lack the eloquence.
I just think that everyone should know how rad they are. And I think they should embrace it. What can I do to encourage it?
I need to come up with a better word than "rad".

I'm wearing goth nail polish. I don't recognize my hands.
I am crunching on an unattainable boy so hard. Every day it gets worse, because as I get to know him better, he just turns more magical. I think magical is the best word. However, he of girlfriend and dread locks and vandalism, he needs to be out of the picture...fast.
This is what always happens, by the way.

Sometimes I am old.
Times when when I can feel wrinkles around my eyes just by smiling. Getting crushes on boys who are nearly ten years my junior. When the music is too loud and the lights are too dim. When I sit and grieve for the immerging generation. When the trichotillomania is at a peak. When my back and legs and feet are tired from working. When things look generally grey and gloomy.
I am thankful for my life and my work and I am excited about so many things. It's nice to be optimistic for real tangible things. Things are good.
It's just these late night thoughts and no one to share them with. The worry about being single and working in a coffee shop forever. I think it's okay to feel like you a limit with singleness. It's okay to not want to go to bed because it seems so empty. I know how to suck it up and deal with it, but sometimes, when I am particularily old and tired, I do not want to be alone anymore. I had a kissing dream last night....with Owen Wilson. It was a great dream. Waking up sucked.
I've been entertaining some ideas today. Not sure if they're good ideas, but it doesn't matter because i have absolutely no intention of following through with any of them.
I have decided to try to not have a drink until Christmas time. I just feel like it's a little to easy to have one too many. We'll see how it goes. It's also very easy to have a wee drink at work
Today I downloaded about 15 Garth Brooks songs. He's amazing. If this officially gives me bad taste in music, so be it. You can take your wolf/horse/mother/mountain bands. Garth is rad. In particular, The Change. I don't know why. It's been made into this super american song, but if you take it out of the context of 9/11, it's a great song on it's own. And don't get me started on The Redstrokes....
I've been thinking about all this stuff. Like the video in the last post. How can I love? I feel like I'm not loving enough. I sometimes feel like my purpose here on earth is to make people feel loved. I usually end up hurting them. i am constantly forgetting birthdays and putting off writing that email. I like a lot of people, I get along with a lot of people, but i don't know if I love them. It's kind of a tragedy when I really think about it. I'm just here on Main Street doing a half-assed job.
I need to stop writing about it.
good night

We Are Loved

Rivers flow backwards, valleys are high. Mountains are level, truth is a lie.

Do you know how much I love Dolly Parton?
I can't even get into it right now.
But I think she is the most wonderful thing in the world. Can't stop listening to her. She deserves more credit as a song writer. why, it's enough to make me want to get a big old wig and a really good push-up bra.

My sister has a friend, and I think I am going to steal her. Bobbi is her name, and I like her. We went for A drink the other night, and had a wee chat. She's normal. It's nice to sit around and gripe about church. It's like someone understands how uncomfortable i am about church. It made me feel like less of a freak. I think that's all we need from others...to feel like less of a freak...and to allow others to feel the same way. Forget romance, we just want to be understood.

Okay, don't forget romance.

I have a new crush. Like a biggish one. This is good thing since I haven't really had one since the King. Mostly, crushes lead to disappointment. Two red flags are: 1) He is a co-worker. 2) He is so totally not my type in almost every way. However, he is kind and he is funny and he walks me home at two in the morning even when he has his bike and could be home in a quarter of the time it takes to walk up the hill. Also, he has these blue eyes that crinkle when he smiles....that gets me every time.
Anyway, it's silly and harmless and let's me feel less stone-hearted.

For weeks in a row I have firmly decided to quit my job at JJ, and for two weeks in a row I have had converstaions with my manager that have changed my mind. Can you spot the Pisces?

I put a big map of Berlin on the wall right nest to my bed, it stokes me every morning. There is a botanical garden in Steglitz, as i was lying in bed, i figured out how to get there on the U-bahn. It should be nice...in January! Pretty excited about this whole business. The bros are going in November, and I will join them in January. Carman might travel over there in the spring. Caleb and I have plans to rendez-vous in Paris. Benny and Sabrina are in Rome. Then there's always the Dublin girls. I can feel my heart beating a little faster even as I write this. I am way more excited this time around than I was any of the other trips. I don't feel nervous about anything..except for finding a place to live.

Okay, I gotta get ready to meet the Manchesters at JJ! I din't know where to take them, but I am sure it will be fun. I will (naturally) be fifth wheel....but I am used to that...by now.

chattaway thataway

I am not a good blogger. Inconsistant, with no pictures or links or anything. I am a bore-ger. boo ya.

Staff trip 2007. We got back yesterday from the great Chattaway Lake fishing retreat. The bosses...the ones who kisses your head when you cry...shut down the restaurant and took their entire staff camping for 2 nights. Chattaway is perfect. Each cabin sleeps about 4 people, they are equipt with anything you could need. A nice little wood-burning stove in the corner, a sink, a cozy table with mismatched chairs, a little stack of chipped dishes, and three hours of electricity in the evening. It was 2 and a half days of pure goodtimes. The only thing I really missed was being able to wash my hands in warm water with soap when i finished using the outhouse. The only plan for the whole trip was to hang out. So when it was nice, we were walking around the lake or boating or fishing or checking out the mining caves. When it was cold (which was most of the time) we huddled around the big fire pit, or hunkered down in different cabins with drinks and food and board games. Each cabin seemed to have different things going on in them. Lots of scrabble...joy. Everyone was mellow and safe...thanks probably to constant cloud of pot smoke in the air. I got a little stoney myself, simply from being in the same cabin with some pretty serious smokers.
I never got into that stuff, but i've never minded it either. In fact, i sort of like the smell.
The major bummer of the trip was the alpine beetle. Seriously, probably 70 percent of those trees are dead now. It's a total drag, and the only thing to do is to cut it out. It's also kind of scary because next summer it's just going to be a whole bunch of dry, dead wood. In parts, of the ride, whole hillsides were red with dead trees
So now, I've booked off the rest of the week and i think i will go to the island today. Hang out with Charlie.

jj jerk...

My two jobs caught up with me the other day. It happened on a day I was bleeding and feeling extra emotional. Thankfully, I have whole slough of nice bosses. Bosses who are forgiving and who make mistakes. Bosses who kiss my head when I burst into tears. Bosses who send me off to my other job when there's been scheduling mishaps. I'm very lucky. I have it pretty easy for someone who works 8 shifts a week. I also have virtually no grocery bill....which nice. Unhealthy, but nice. Actually, it's healthy...just not the natchos and beer and muffins.
I was thinking today that i have a good life. I am busy with work, and I have a friend to drink coffee with everyday....sometimes multiple friends to drink coffee with. I have some Corb Lund downloaded on my room mate's computer. A clean bathtub with a half full bottle of juniper extract bubblebath. I have a new haircut, and free laundry. The sun is shiny, and the air is crisp. The mountains to the north are looking particularily lovely...so lovely you hardly notice the bums with their needles.
I have decided to sacrifice one of my most beloved activities; reading in bed. Henceforth, reading is to be done in public.
Anyway. I don't know why i decided to write tonight. I think I'm going to go watch the bonus features for the Prisoner of Azkaban...which i think is the strongest of the harry Potter movies. So good...really.
Speaking of Harry Potter...I was watching that Jesus Camp movie in which this charismatic speaker lady totally S-L-A-M-S Harry Potter. It made me angry. The whole series is about love conquering evil and even death. I ought to write her a strong letter.
I also went to see the Jane Austen movie. It's good....but it would have been much better if Jane Austen Had written it herself. It's not nearly as good as Pride and Prejudice or Emma or Sense and Sensiblity. However...I love Anne Hathaway.

currywurst

The hotdog stand on 14th and Main kicked it up a notch. They are now selling the great Berliner treat of currywurst! currywurst is sausauge cut up in bite size pieces and served on fries witha dallop of curry-ish ketchup. It's hot and fatty and spicy and totally delicious! I've never hotdogged at the Main Street stand. It's always closed at the hours one craves a hotdog. I usually save hotdogs treats for downtown. Nothing beats sitting on the Art Gallery steps with a good friend and fresh dog with lotsa onions!
The Art Gallery is the best place to sit and watch folks walk by. All types of people on Robson. Mostly tourists and fashionistas in silly shoes.
I fell off the currywurst track here....
Soon (i think) I wil be eating it in Berlin with my friends Marty and Annika.

Cautoiously optimistic.

Two Pabst Blue Ribbon's in...

...so silly to start this up again.
I mopped the floor today. If I was a real blogger, I would post a wonderfully composed photo of my mop in sudsy water. The truth is that my mop is (who knows how) old, and my mop bucket is nothing more than an old, rejected waste paper basket. I could include a picture of Fantastic (with bleach), but that makes for uninteresting photojournalism. So there it is, and here I am. Alone, listening to Dolly Parton (my soulmate on so may levels) and drinking beer. I told myself that beer days are over, but that changed so quickly when Caleb called to hang out and drink beers. Steve left some cold ones in the fridge, so of course I cracked one...well, two. It's okay. He owes me.
Have I told you about my friend Caleb? I hold him in my heart. It's kind of funny, because there was a time when I could hardly stand the guy. I just love that he calls me to hang out in parks, or come over to my porch. Feeling alone tonight, I decided to not call anybody to see what's going on. I decided to download Dolly Parton and Gillian Welch and Damien Jurado and Josh Ritter (heart heart heart) and songs of the Once soundtrack. Then when the phone rang, and I saw the Retzlaff name on my display, i thought "Ah, now there's some one I can handle sunset with." so he came over, he was grumpy, I was introspective. He left after a couple to be with his lady, and I stayed here to throw a load in the dryer. Here I am.
But I was thinking about boys. The boys I know, are the boys I love. It's a real problem. When I meet a guy, I see friend potential before I see romance potential. So then I become friends with all these rad dudes, and am left without romance because it's weird to get romance from friend-dudes. I think I'm doing it backwards. What I need is some good, old-fashioned dating.
So if anybody know of any leads...applications are going out.
wendyjbateman@googlemail.com
Please show prospective daters pictures taken from my left side...that's the side where my teeth aren't all fucked up. I will be happy to accept any applicant who will be willing to unfuck my teeth on the right side, so that it's won't matter what side of my smile is seen.