"Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell."----switchfoot

My last entry was all weakness.
Perhaps i am all weakness.
I was dared to move....to pick myself up off the floor.
Sometimes all it takes tenacious (sp?) obedience. Sometimes he uses these days and nights to speak truth into our hearts. I've been thinking a lot about Elijah. I've been thinking about David. I've been thinking about the Sacred Heart of Jesus. I've been wondering about my own value. i discovered that i see myself as a pebble in a land of jewels....which is untruth. The truth that God speaks that we are valuable. There has been a rather high price paid for me. There is more invested in me than i realize....more than Christ's blood even. People i know have invested their valuable resources and time and money and prayer into me. Maybe i am actaully valuable to the planet. (An idea i've never considered.)
I would love to have the power to change things.
I would love know how to spread the love.
I would love to shine.
Maybe i am still being dared to move....but in a bigger way.
The future is big and so far away. I know how Lisa feels. (well, not exactly...i just know that part of how she feels)
I went to go see Coldplay last night. It was good. Hardly intimate, and i hate when people sing along...when uninvited. I did not pay forty bucks to hear suzy halter top sing off key. Whatevs. It was still good. I wasn't disappointed. I love how indie kids and college radio people pretend that they don't actually like Coldplay. Like it would kill them to admit that there is actual talent on commercial radio. I love how people think that they are open-minded to music...but really, they're just snobby. I suppose that is the appeal...and i know that i fall victim to that all the time. It bothers me to admit that i like mainstream music. I kind of like dropping random names, that only us elitist music people would have heard about. I am not above reproach in this.
So i am openly admit that i like the following: Coldplay, Dashboard Confessional (remember when it was COOL to like them?), "complicated", the Dixie Chicks, and Nick Carter.
There. i don't care.
Know what else? These are things i could give a rats ass about: who you hang out with, and what band they're in, the streets, the used, the scene, and guestlist.
sheesh.
I think that i am turning into a square. Before you know it, I'll be listening to Shania. ew.
i must be getting old.

I want to give up. I want to wash my hands and go tomy mom's house. I want safety and security, and not have to find a job ever again. I am tired, and i am thinking in a downward spiral. I wonder if Vancouver is where i ought to be. I wonder where exactly i ought to be. The Lord always spoke so clealy to David. Or, that's how it seems in Samuel. David inquired of the Lord, and He justr answers, just like that. I feel like i have done a lot of inquiring...yet i hear no answer. It causes me to ask myself if i reallly am truly a seeker of Gos's heart. My instinct is to run away. I don't want to go out today, with my smile, and my mascara, and my resume. I am sick of trying to sell myself. I know that i am a hard worker, and loyal, and fun. I have experience, and everything. I have applied at a lot of places, and yet, i have no takers. I don't get it. Lord, i don't understand!

I was asked what i wanted my life to look like when i am 67 years old, sitting in my rocking chair, with a cup of tea...what do i want my life to be like?
i know we have been asked these questions for years now. What matters at 80? I honestly hope that i die before i am 80. Is that strange? Life is too much pain to be around for 80 years of it. Besides, i want to get out of here before dimentia sets in. I've decided to think about my little task, but cut it down a few years. I'm going to think more in the the year range. The thought that i will be 34 is kind of frightening. I hope i am not a church mom at that point. Lord, i pray that do not turn into a church mom! So tonight, i decided to really think about it. so i lit a few candles, put mineral into the cd player, pulled out some paper and some crayons, and went wild. I claim that i am going into art, but the skills i displayed this everning show a desperate need for improvement. I am frustrated that i cannot seem to express what i see so clearly in my head. I cannot verbalize it, i cannot scribble it, i cannot dance it, i cannot sing it. I feel the need to get it out, but i don't know how. I guess what it comes down, down, down to is this: at the end of my life, i want to know that i raised some fine children. I want to see my seeds turn into sprouts, and my sprouts turn into trees. I want to know that i served the Lord as best i could, that i loved, that i laughed. What it comes down to is that i hope that i had some kind of influence in the hearts of those around me. That i saw beauty where others could not, and was able to show it to them. I don't want a huge career. I don't want a fancy car, or a cell phone, or even a television. (i do however, want to be secure) I want to be able to bless others. I know that i can do that no matter what my station in life is.
So it's a totally loaded question. I know how i want to see my life. i just haven't been able to articulate it quite yet. I hope that tim is in there...in my future. That would make me very happy indeed. I like that boy oh so very much. Is it normal to think about some one this much?