I think that I am ridiculous and proud.
I think I am exactly who I swore I would never be.
I think I am a lot of things I hate.
I am jealous and mean. I am petty and self-ish. I lie and cheat and steal. I think awful thoughts about people I love. I ignore my friends. I ignore God.
I don't want to be all down on myself but last night this all seemed to come to light as I was grumbling in my head about annika. Annika, my closest friend and roommate. Annika is a lovely girl. Yet, I, in pig-headishness created reasons to be hurt by her.
Why can´t I just love? Why am I being sostubborn these days? Why am I creating drama where there isn´t any? What happened to me to make me so hard-hearted? I hate that! I want to be soft. I want to refreshing and nice. I want to be open. I don't want to carry around this suspiciousness. I don't want to be jealous. I don't want to just sit there.
This whole thing is so frustrating.
I wish I could spew out verses. I wish there was something I could do to feel better.
Sheesh, it's amazing that I even have friends.
On the other hand, I came up with a brilliant idea for a book. I am going to attempt it today. Maybe that's what I need. A creative outlet
I totally have a rebound crush on a boy. I don't know his name, but I see him everyday. He seems just lovely. Crushes are ridiculous. Feels too much like high school.
Friday, September 19, 2003
I don't know if it's a gift.
I don't want to assume things.
It seems that I have an ability to see certain people. I recognize things in them that I see in myself. I don't know what it is that I get. I thought maybe it was brokenness or sadness or an old spirit. I thought maybe it was the race that knows Joseph (Anne) or some kind of kindred spiritedness. But that doesn't work somehow. All people that I feel this connection with should have the connection with each other. While that works sometimes, most of the time it's a complete miss.
Take my new friend Ryan. It makes no sense that I should be his friend. In fact, when I met him I thought he would be annoying. By the second time I saw him, I had that point of recognition. Like he fits somehow into the puzzle of my heart. Annika has that same place in my heart, yet I don't think she really likes him that much. Why don't they connect with each other if I connect so well with both?
I feel like I have been given a new kid brother. Hanging out with Ryan feels like Jonathan (except that Ryan has never hit me in the head with a baseball bat). Maybe it's a bit of an ego thing for me. Maybe it's just really nice to have a boy around who will go for milkshakes and give dirty looks to sales ladies for me. Maybe I know that girls think he's cute. Maybe I just really like the attention. I don't know. I don't want to analyze this one. I get him. I don't feel like I have to be cool...or even clean around him. If this is just a phase, then so be it. I like having friends. I wish I had more of them.
speaking of friends...
I really like Jo. Sure, she's my boss and all, but I have fun with her. Again, it's that mysterious thing that I see her. That twinkle of recognition that draws me to certain people. I drank too much beer with her last night. I hope that we get to be good friends.
Funny how God knows these things. How we want to fit somewhere. And here I am. There is blessing in a broken heart. There is joy buried beneath. There is no formula. I am just learning that. So I thank God for these little stumblings across people..New and old. I am richly blessed, and I didn't ask for it. He just knows.
Well, it's mom day...I'm going back to sleep so that I not crankypants for her. I like my mom.
I don't want to assume things.
It seems that I have an ability to see certain people. I recognize things in them that I see in myself. I don't know what it is that I get. I thought maybe it was brokenness or sadness or an old spirit. I thought maybe it was the race that knows Joseph (Anne) or some kind of kindred spiritedness. But that doesn't work somehow. All people that I feel this connection with should have the connection with each other. While that works sometimes, most of the time it's a complete miss.
Take my new friend Ryan. It makes no sense that I should be his friend. In fact, when I met him I thought he would be annoying. By the second time I saw him, I had that point of recognition. Like he fits somehow into the puzzle of my heart. Annika has that same place in my heart, yet I don't think she really likes him that much. Why don't they connect with each other if I connect so well with both?
I feel like I have been given a new kid brother. Hanging out with Ryan feels like Jonathan (except that Ryan has never hit me in the head with a baseball bat). Maybe it's a bit of an ego thing for me. Maybe it's just really nice to have a boy around who will go for milkshakes and give dirty looks to sales ladies for me. Maybe I know that girls think he's cute. Maybe I just really like the attention. I don't know. I don't want to analyze this one. I get him. I don't feel like I have to be cool...or even clean around him. If this is just a phase, then so be it. I like having friends. I wish I had more of them.
speaking of friends...
I really like Jo. Sure, she's my boss and all, but I have fun with her. Again, it's that mysterious thing that I see her. That twinkle of recognition that draws me to certain people. I drank too much beer with her last night. I hope that we get to be good friends.
Funny how God knows these things. How we want to fit somewhere. And here I am. There is blessing in a broken heart. There is joy buried beneath. There is no formula. I am just learning that. So I thank God for these little stumblings across people..New and old. I am richly blessed, and I didn't ask for it. He just knows.
Well, it's mom day...I'm going back to sleep so that I not crankypants for her. I like my mom.
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