i think i have a creepy internet stalker crush on this person.

dulcimers sound nice

I hope this works.

It's 355 in the morning here in Berlin. I am having a "white night" like the ones I used to have when I was in highschool. Sometimes I miss that blue room tucked in the basement with the Smashing Pumpkins poster and white christmas lights. I still have that poster somewhere.
I found a bit of faith on youtube. I don't know what made me type in Rich Mullins, but I did.
I've been thinking a lot lately about faith. Obviously, my own faith. I was rereading my blog (this one) from the beginning. You can read how my faith waivers and sputters and fizzles out. When I read the start, and it sounds like someone else. Someone trying to be something else. I can hear the effort to drop God's name. I thought that would define me somehow.
Contrary to what you might expect, I don't think that my loss of faith is a bad thing. I truly believe that God gave me this space to discover things on my own...or at least what I think is on my own...but it's probably being very skillfully guided along.
God knows me.
I've never been one who is content with doing something just because someone is telling me to. I am the ass who digs in her heels good and hard until she realizes in her own time that the suggestion was probably good and wise. This annoying need to make these decisions on my own, be it cleaning my room or doing my taxes (ask marilyn).
So I struggled. It was a long one. I didn't want to walk away, but I didn't want o stay either. The only reason I stuck it out so long is because of Holy fear. I mean, you don't really want to get on God's bad side. I've read the Old Testament (or at least parts) God can be a pretty mean dude.
Then, I had this dream. I won't get into it, but I really felt like it was telling me that it's okay to lose faith for a while and ask questions. There would be no abandonment.
I guess that's a long winded approach to simply saying that I am thinking about it more these days than I have in the past 3 or 4 years.
It's still frustrating, but things like old hymns and Dolly Parton and Henri Nouwen and Rich Mullins, make i seem simpler and nicer than it has seemed in a long time. If only it could remain that simple and nice. If only the church could be that simple and nice. I don't get why it has to be all weird and complicated.
This entry annoys me. I find it weird and complicated.