more nonsense than usual

I am facing Vancouver life with caution. Carefully balancing on the edge of optimism, feeling like I could fall into the pit of normal life.
Not that normal life is bad. Just bad for me sometimes.
I like my life here.
Life with these sweet, natural friendships. Strong arms holding me tight everyday. Little golden moments. These didn't happen so much while I was away.
BF and I are holding accountability sessions every two weeks. We had one last night. I think the return is more difficult for him than it is for me. There was more trauma waiting for him. It's nice to be able to speak honestly with friends. I like when there is space to say what you mean. Space to listen and space to be heard. I think over the last few months I learned some things about communication.
There are a few boys that I am pretty excited to see on the streets. I cannot tell you enough how sweet it is to be back in a place where there are handsome dudes. I really felt like Berlin was a wasteland in that regard. It's a nice thing to have back in my life. Good healthy crushes.
I hate how pricey it is here.
I played the lottery the other day and won ten whole bucks. I had to split the winnings with Patrick because he got a ticket too, and we swore a solemn vow to split the prize if one of us won. But I am two dollars richer already. Canada is awesome.
I don't have a place to live.
I have a lead on something today. I hope it works because it's cheaper than a million dollars a month, and it's in the hood. I don't want to leave the hood.
I also have a new haircut. I was worried it might be butchy. If it is, oh well. There are worse things. I will just wear girlier things and lots of mascara.
I am also learning to ropes in the kitchen tonight. Soon I will be the queen of nachos and tofu scrambles.
This post is nonsense. I think I am falling off the blogging train.
I feel like I can't be honest here anymore. There is too much self editing.
I still think it's weird. Only putting the best things forward. Showing off. I struggle with the attraction to it. And when I read things that aren't about blowing our own horns, I feel like it's kind of cheesy. Like teenage poetry.
Maybe I'm wrong.
I know that it's just good fun, and and interesting way to keep in touch, and I love to read blogs...a lot.
It's just that I used to write a lot more openly here. Now I feel the need to keep it sort of...point form. or something. I want to put something out there, but I want it to be real. The person writing this isn't real. The big things are still there, and it's not about haircuts or the increase in rent prices.
You know?
I wanna take up pens and paper.