It has certainly been a while since I have blogged. I have a strong dislike for words like "blog" and "google" as verbs. Yet, here I am, hypocritical-wendy using such disdainful words. And I wonder if "disdainful" is even a real word.

Johnny Cash died today. Johnny Cash is dead. It seems like he was the last of the really good guys. It wasn't a surprise. I suppose that there isn't much point of living if your soulmate is gone. I will miss Johnny Cash. I always secretly hoped that I would meet him one day, and we would drink beer together, and perhaps talk...Or perhaps not talk. I wish it was okay and normal to sit and not talk. Sometimes I don't want to talk. Sometimes, I don't want to be alone, and yet I don't want to fill that precious space with words. Does that make sense?
I am reading a book about a guy who says that someone is always borrowing his head. It just hits too close to home. I am contemplating not reading this book anymore. I swear this guy is just writing about me. Except I only feel that fucked up, where as this guy actually is fucked up. I am afraid to read the whole book. I mean, what if it is a really depressing book? It happened to me in "The Grapes of Wrath". I expected and hoped that it would get better, but it never did. I don't think I have completely recovered, it still pisses me off. I'll probably keep reading this book however, I have that disease you know, where you just can't put your book down. That happened last week with "Harry Potter". Get this, I actually cried while reading a Harry Potter book. Of course that had nothing to do with my freshly broken heart, or my menstrual cycle, or the fact that I was sick as a dog. I can't wait for the next Harry Potter book!
I live too much in children's literature. Kid's books are so where it's at.
Jonathan called today. My little brother is growing up. It's so sweet that we are friends now. It's so sweet that he calls me just to tell me that he loves me. Not a lot of brothers do that. He never once pulled out an "I told you so" when we talked about Tim. He was actually concerned about my heart, even though he was right the whole time. It pisses me off that he was right. Jonathan also asked me tough questions like where I'm going to church, and how my "walk" is going, and how am I getting fed. He's a good brother.
My walk isn't exactly what your average Christian would consider stellar. But then, the thought of being your average Christian gives me the willies. The truth is that I have been broken in a few places. The truth is that I really dislike church. I went to church on Sunday after a few months away from attending. I didn't like it. I don't know what to do. I know that I need that kind of environment. The truth is that I would rather be discipled. Maybe then, I could stand church. I would rather just sit and absorb. I don't want to feel forced into clapping my hands. I don't want to turn and greet my neighbors. I don't want my problems to be solved in a three point sermon, or in an accrostic. I am not alone in feeling like this. Like an alien in church...Like an alien in life. Is it me that needs to change? Am I bitter? What is my attitude? I just think that there has got to be another way. I think that perhaps the church's current concept of church may not be THE camp. How do we bust out of the mind frame that we have it figured out? That MY way of worshipping, or studying, is the right and only way..And you really ought to check it out.
I dunno, maybe I'm talking out of my ass...But those creepy Alpha signs everywhere make me sick to my stomach.
Something has got to change....And that something is probably me. It's just so much easier to blame someone else for the the condition of my heart.
This entry is getting to be ridiculously long and boring. I intend to write here more often....Not that anyone knows about this site....Or cares.

p.s. The Weakerthans. There are no words. They are good. Very good.