5 hour crushes

Thinking of signing up for online dating.
Pros: love.
Cons: terrible awkward situations.
Singleness should be easier.
Berlin is good for this. I have turned off my goggles. I am not looking for a crush here. Besides, my general opinion of German guys is: boring.
I got a crush the other day though. It lasted about 5 hours.
This long-haired, tightly-panted, slightly stinky, lead singer of a metal band. not my type (typically) but he was nice and normal and funny and he had kind eyes. For those 5 hours it was nice to be in Berlin, because in real life there would be no reason for me to have met him...or hang out with him. It just happened because he's friends with one of the guys in the small circle of ex-pats here. And I didn't feel pressure to act like I knew or liked his band. It was just Berlin. That being said, I know that I will never see him again, so who cares?
It was just a nice afternoon in the park.
I got a letter today from my (ex-boy) friend Dave. It was a good letter. Made me laugh out loud in public.
My friend James arrives on Sunday. He's a real jerk. A likable jerk. I am looking forward to the visit. I feel like I will need a diffuser.
The house is going to fill up fast. Ben's dad is coming soon, and perhaps this guy Keith...which fills me with anxiety. THEN Sara and Bobbi!!!!
woot woot holla holla.
I can't wait to see them.
After they leave, the Irish girls come. The Irish girls are fun and colorful and hilarious.
Good times friends.
This post is a lot of nonsense.
Just filling the void.

Check this out though:
It's my 5 hour crush...The one with the long hair...brown hair. Don't ask questions. There are reasons why some crushes last only 5 hours.


I never claimed to have good taste.

in the end...

I'm usually pretty good at finding short-cuts, but I almost always take the long way.

I am having a hard time right now. With girls. Actually with one girl. I am taking myself out of the competition for power in relationships. I get this from girls more than I would like. Actually, probably all of us girls do. I am not the only one who struggles with this. I don't know why we do this to each other. I am sure there must be a male equivalent, but I think dudes mostly just wrestle or show off their pecs or have belching contests. Girls are sneaky and bitchy and passive-aggressive with comments about appearance and conduct and preference.
These days, at least three times a day I feel frustrated and small and defensive. I don't want to defend stupid things. I don't want to feel bad that I even like stupid things. You can agree with me or not, I don't care. I find myself saying and doing things to tip the scales of power back to me. I don't want to do that.
It's fucking bullshit.
This is what I think: You should try to like everyone. You should treat everyone with courtesy and respect, you could even find something you can both chuckle about. However, as soon as you find yourself trying to look really hard to see something you maybe could like in a person, is perhaps a sign that maybe you should just give in and say that you don't like them. At least you tried for a while. Not everyone is likeable.
So I give up. I have nothing to prove.