I don't know what I should do. What the fuck should I do?

I don't want to talk about it.

Let's talk about nice things.

Yesterday, I was feeling a bit blue-ish for rather pathetic reasons. So I decided to pack a little bag of a blanket and a book and a water bottle and walk up to Queen Elizabeth Park to lie on the grass before I had to go to work. On my way to the park I stopped at old JJbean for an iced americano with chocolate. It came as no surpirse to find Ben there listening to music and drawing in his little book. That guy can be frequently found there doing just that. So I gathered him and took him to the grassy hill by the duck pond. We had nice time eating olives and stawberries and creamy ping pong crackers. We took silly pictures on my camera and talked about real things. It was exactly the kind of social interaction I needed. I miss him sometimes. I miss our walks home from Arts Umbrella. He is a one of a kind.

Then I realised that I know a lot of One-Of-A-Kinds. And I am lucky. Perhaps I am a little proud of the people I know. It puffs me up. I think that I am perhaps special for the people I know and like and enjoy being with. Does that sound silly? I like walking away from some one thinking, "Man, I like that person so much!" I can't lie. My self-esteem has been in the bucket lately. I've been needing to hear that I am loved and adored and genuinely liked. So these little encounters mean a lot to me right now. Ben wouldn't leave his coffee haven if he didn't really want to hang out at the park with me. Josiah wouldn't have given me hugs if he didn't really want to. Jenny wouldn't have pulled me aside to tell me things if there wasn't a real concern there. So I have it made.
It's remembering that's the problem.