Once in a while, I get suddenly filled with this strange sense of urgency. That I need to do something NOW! If I don't, I'll miss my chance. I never know what tangible thing it is that I get so fevered about. I can never pin point it. I can never grab root. It's the pacing around the house thinking and thinking with your mind skipping about. And it's never about what to wear tomorrow or what my friends are doing. It's this deep fountain that bubbles out. It's the place where frustration and fufillment meet. It's hope and disappointment. Doubt and bravery. On one hand it feels like the purest thing I've ever known, on the other hand it's the faintest. It's skimpy.
In the Emily books, L.M Montgomery writes about the flash. The lifting of the veil. I think maybe the two are related. The urgency to see what lies beyond, to hold onto the flash. It's a bit of a motivator because it always makes me want to make changes. I want to make apologies and friends. It provokes this need to be honest and true. It makes me feel like I am not big enough or strong enough to love the world.
It makes me want to write up this big pretentious mission statement (a la Jerry Macguire).
But I never could. I simply lack the eloquence.
I just think that everyone should know how rad they are. And I think they should embrace it. What can I do to encourage it?
I need to come up with a better word than "rad".
I'm wearing goth nail polish. I don't recognize my hands.
I am crunching on an unattainable boy so hard. Every day it gets worse, because as I get to know him better, he just turns more magical. I think magical is the best word. However, he of girlfriend and dread locks and vandalism, he needs to be out of the picture...fast.
This is what always happens, by the way.
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Perhaps the need for a trip to Idaho is the cause of your strange sense of urgency. Maybe in the land of sugarbeets and steelhead you would find your peace. Notice I did not mention potatoes at all.
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