The End.

Thanks for reading my blog.
This is the final entry.
I have nothing to say here.

true that.

My heart is full. And it's not about crushes.
The excitement of crushes only really last a few days. Life is about humdrum, and it's good that way.
My feet are full of blisters from wearing impractical shoes.
I move into the sublet today. Directly above my work. Noise. But I suspect I will find a level of peace. Closed doors can be just as useful and freeing as open ones.
The sun is warm in the trees and in the park and on the beach.
Let's ride bikes and hold hands and drink lemonade.
I took this personality test once, and it told me I was an idealist. We get bummed when our ideals don't turn out like how we want them. Sometimes I worry that I am just setting myself for disappointment every time I daydream.
My dreams are not elaborate or unruly. They are simple and lovely. But they require companionship. It's not so much loneliness. It's alone-ness.
I am not always completely sure my piece fits into the puzzle. Tossed in the wrong box perhaps.
I don't want that to sound pitiful. Because it's not.
I am not sad about this.
I hold onto hope.

EDIT:
I have always believed that hope and disappointment are next door neighbors.

crushes are crushes.
It's just that every once in a while you meet a man, and you want to see his insides. And you want him to see your insides.
Is that love?
Or is it just a supercrush?
Anyway, regardless of what the technical term might be, it's nice to have one.
It might seem silly to the common outsider, but it's a relief to obsess about boys (or A boy, depending on the day).
I was afraid that part of me got lost in the wash.
I sometimes struggle with embarrassment about feeling floaty feelings about guys. I have that grade 4 sense of shame (or whatever that is we learned at that age.)
This time, I have decided to afford myself the luxury of thinking nice things about this one.
I deserve a nice boy. I like to think lovely things sometimes. And fuck it if they're reciprocated or not. I have a half an hour now and then to daydream, and daydream, I will.
I found a Henri Nouwen book at the As Is.
I love that man.
He speaks my heart so many times.

A list...not A-list.

Things that I did today.
(like it matters)
1. hatched a moderately good idea.
2. ate nice cafe breakfast with ben and jen and nix.
3. watched Sex and the City movie.
4. shed a tear or two.
5. received free pizza.
6. had coffee with recently married friend and his new wife.
7. popcorn.
8. napped.
9. showered.
10. ate free pizza. well, half of it.
11. sat on the stoop of nix, and it was awesome.
12. met up with eric at cheaper show.
13. looked at art.
14. hugged a lot of people.
15. walked over cambie bridge.
16. ate cake and danced at kate's brithday party.
17. home.

good day.

more nonsense than usual

I am facing Vancouver life with caution. Carefully balancing on the edge of optimism, feeling like I could fall into the pit of normal life.
Not that normal life is bad. Just bad for me sometimes.
I like my life here.
Life with these sweet, natural friendships. Strong arms holding me tight everyday. Little golden moments. These didn't happen so much while I was away.
BF and I are holding accountability sessions every two weeks. We had one last night. I think the return is more difficult for him than it is for me. There was more trauma waiting for him. It's nice to be able to speak honestly with friends. I like when there is space to say what you mean. Space to listen and space to be heard. I think over the last few months I learned some things about communication.
There are a few boys that I am pretty excited to see on the streets. I cannot tell you enough how sweet it is to be back in a place where there are handsome dudes. I really felt like Berlin was a wasteland in that regard. It's a nice thing to have back in my life. Good healthy crushes.
I hate how pricey it is here.
I played the lottery the other day and won ten whole bucks. I had to split the winnings with Patrick because he got a ticket too, and we swore a solemn vow to split the prize if one of us won. But I am two dollars richer already. Canada is awesome.
I don't have a place to live.
I have a lead on something today. I hope it works because it's cheaper than a million dollars a month, and it's in the hood. I don't want to leave the hood.
I also have a new haircut. I was worried it might be butchy. If it is, oh well. There are worse things. I will just wear girlier things and lots of mascara.
I am also learning to ropes in the kitchen tonight. Soon I will be the queen of nachos and tofu scrambles.
This post is nonsense. I think I am falling off the blogging train.
I feel like I can't be honest here anymore. There is too much self editing.
I still think it's weird. Only putting the best things forward. Showing off. I struggle with the attraction to it. And when I read things that aren't about blowing our own horns, I feel like it's kind of cheesy. Like teenage poetry.
Maybe I'm wrong.
I know that it's just good fun, and and interesting way to keep in touch, and I love to read blogs...a lot.
It's just that I used to write a lot more openly here. Now I feel the need to keep it sort of...point form. or something. I want to put something out there, but I want it to be real. The person writing this isn't real. The big things are still there, and it's not about haircuts or the increase in rent prices.
You know?
I wanna take up pens and paper.

it's true.

I can be a real bitch.
Admitting it does not absolve me.
It doesn't make it okay.
I hate it.

My high horse is so high sometimes.
I'm going to start calling it my high giraffe or high T-rex.

How in the world are people's answers about God so concrete?
How can I love an Old Testament God?
How can I follow the ideals of the New Testament apostles?
I can't agree with this.
Do others suffer these complications?
How do you make it make sense?
Are certain passage ignored?
Do some words carry more weight than others?
Why are we so concerned about things that the Bible says very little about?
Is this my own ignorance? My own arrogance?
Am I wrong then, if I want to file it all down to one or two things?
1) God loves me.
2) Shit happens.
Is God responsible for the blood of holy wars?
Does it matter? We're his and he can do what he wants with us. Like G.I. Joes.
Is that love?
This is weird.
I know that I am on the path to belief.
I just don't get why it's so easy for some.
gotta go.